(by guest memoman, and evil 49ers fan - Ari Mistral)

re: watching your p's & q's

Dear Leon: I sat there and read my RSS feed of The Dallas Morning News sports section last Sunday. You’re were all smiles, so happy to be at the Cowboys training camp. Maybe it’s that the heat wave has left Oxnard and it’s on its way to Philadelphia. That may be what is making you happy, I don’t know. Did you get your waivers, and your playoff provisions? Good. Maybe you’re happy because the Cowboys gave you a nice, fat, bling-laden contract. I didn’t realize that the ‘Boys needed a new wide receiver. Then again, I only follow what is happening with Coach Parcells and Drew Bledsoe when it comes to that team. James is the silver-and-blue fan around here.

Speaking of Parcells and Bledsoe, I do have some tips for you as you get all back in shape for the coming NFL season.

1. Please respect Bill Parcells. Based on my distant observations, he does not take kindly to very much back-talk. Now I’m no football player, but I’ve seen what he did with the Jets, Giants and Patriots. So far, Tuna is not succeeding in turning around the Dallas Cowboys. Maybe that’s why you’re on board. Remember to work with Parcells, not against him.

2. Please respect Drew Bledsoe. See above, except change “Jets, Giants and Patriots” to “Bills, Cowboys and Patriots.” Well, ok, he didn’t turn the Bills around. Who’d you expect, Jim Kelly?

3. When you go back to Philadelphia this season, and you’re on the sidelines, keep your helmet on. I hear that Philly fans put rocks in their snowballs (or is that snowballs in their rocks?). Well, whatever it is, they throw hard things at people they don’t like, such as you and Santa Claus.

4. The Dallas sports press is as merciless as Philadelphia’s, so I hear. Tread lightly.

5. Leon, I don’t like you. Wait, let me rephrase that…I don’t like you at all. Enough already with the sweet-talk; I’ve heard it before. I forgot to mention that I am a San Francisco 49ers fan. I saw how you laid waste to the morale of that team, you whiny cry-baby. You dissed Steve Young like you did Donovan McNabb and how you will diss Bledsoe. Young is in the Hall of Fame now, you jerk, no thanks to you! You don’t get your way and then you whine and bad-mouth your teammates and coach. That’s why the ‘Niners dumped you and sent you packing for Baltimore. For some strange reason, they didn’t want you, so the Eagles took you. You helped leave behind a demoralized team.

6. Which reminds me: my fiancée doesn’t like you at all, either. I forgot to mention that she is a Philadelphia Eagles fan through and through. You dissed Donovan McNabb (and probably his mama) like you did Steve Young and how you will diss Bledsoe (and how you will diss The Tuna once you don’t get your way with him). They don’t like you in Philly (oh, I already covered that), and the fans there have a longer collective memory than those in San Francisco. I know that by firsthand experience. My Beloved still talks about that Santa Claus incident. Oh, thanks for helping to screw up the Iggles’ record last season.

I’m surprised the Raiders didn’t pick you up; you would fit right in there.


Well, I guess the Cowboys are a good fit, too. My friend James may be looking forward to seeing you play for Dallas, but he will soon be aware that Leon comes with a price that can’t be measured by dollar signs and zeros. As sure as the sun comes up every morning, the morale will drop at Valley Ranch, thanks to you. If you can’t be a team player, just take up golf. Consider it a favor to us NFL fans.

For the record, James wasn't thrilled by signing Leon and said so here.