re: The company you keep
by guest memo writer Ari Vitali, MD

Ms. Winfrey (I'll stay formal, as I don't know you as well Julia Roberts does),

In the interest of self-disclosure, I did listen to you once, by way of a former girlfriend. See, this ex-girlfriend followed your book club. One time, she bought a copy of I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb. Karen insisted that I read this book, as it was a glimpse into how schizophrenia affects families. I'm a psychiatrist (just to let you know; please don't tell Tom Cruise), so anything dealing with mental illness tends to pique my interest. But this isn't about me, Miss Thang. This is about you because we all know that you haven't gotten enough attention lately.

Ms. Winfrey if I may be blunt: you bring narcissism and self-promotion to levels that only, say, Hilary Duff can only dream about. The minds of millions of soccer-moms are in your thrall. You tell them what to read, which celebrities to admire. You show them the utter goodness of Being Oprah. You give away cars (but don't pay the taxes on them), you act like everyone's girlfriend. Shoot, I even see your face plastered on a magazine Every. Single. Freaking. Month. We cannot escape you. I wish we could, but we can't.

And now, in the interest of saving Brand Oprah, you have been spinning more than the Mad Tea Cup Party at Disneyland. Just tell the truth, Ms. Winfrey: you were hoodwinked and bamboozled by the greatest of cons. James Frey had you wrapped around his finger with his "memoir." All you could do was blame the publisher. You had Mr. Frey on your show, as I heard, a second time, to confront him. I'm sure the Cult of Oprah will now forgive you. That's just amazing.

And what was that deal in Paris with that Hermès store. Oh my goodness, they didn't let you in because you were black? I don't buy that for a second! From what I read, you showed up after the store closed. Hey, store hours are store hours, even in Europe. Does the Cult of Oprah even have a branch office in France?

Now, please do me a favor. Pass this memo over to Stedman. OK? Good.

Stedman, dude. How long have you been with Miss Thang? Ten, maybe twelve years? Wow, and I thought I had problems with commitment when I proposed to my fiancée; it was almost four years for me. First of all, what do you do? Second of all, let's look at reality: you're a prop, Stedman. You're window-dressing. Are you ever going to get married? I mean, just fish or cut bait, man! Get back to Memo To: when you commit, deal?

Ms. Winfrey, you're as phony as the proverbial three-dollar bill. You're not every woman's neighbor. Maybe Amazon.com is happy with your proclamations of good reads, but enough already.

Finally, I have two more words for you: prenuptial agreement.

re: Whatever happened to "Thank Heaven for Little Girls?"

Girlfriend. We have to talk. I learned of your talent as an actress and recording icon from my son, who has grown up on Lizzie and Hilly CDs since he was 2. You were very cute in the Disney Channel sitcom, capturing that awkward Tween angst as you grew up. Your movie wasn't half bad either, considering it was just a two hour movie of the week with a big Disney budget.

But you really hit your stride with your first album. And how many teens can brag about going double platinum right out the gate? Clearly, your parents have much to be proud of.

But Hilly, I'm concerned. Since then, I've noticed that your music handlers have "sexed you up" rather gradually to take you from the girl next door, to the object of many a teen boy's desires. But to be honest, they seem to be taking you more down the slutty road of Christina Aguilierra. And that ain't good. You've got the sound, girl. You do. And that's what's selling CDs and downloads, not your heavy "drugged out" eye liner look (see above).

At least, I hope it's a look. Cause I've seen your new punk rock boyfriend. Seems that being eight years older that he's robbing the cradle to me. And coupling that with your new look, and I worry that my son's crush is misplaced upon someone who's indulging in chemicals she ought not be involved in. It's obvious , Hilly. Just look at the Cheaper By the Dozen 2 trailer. Seriously, the last thing you want is to end up on VH-1s Behind the Music double feature with Lindsay Lohan telling your tale of how drugs ruined your career and your life. Sadly, it's a music industry formula we're all too familar with. Music. Money. Fame. Sex. Drugs. Denial. Crash. Rehab. Or worse.

There's also another thing that's jeopardizing your momentum. Your're choice of music is becoming rather competitive. Granted, you've got that Joan Jet vibe going to court the hang bangers, and still keep the tweenie boppers who grew up with you. But I have to ask this out of tough love. Does EVERY song need to be about you? Seriously, I know you're in your late teens now, but it's time for you to look beyond boys and hangin' with the girls. It's time for you to get some meat on those CDs.

And if you put "Why Not" on one more album, girlfriend, it's gonna so yesterday.

re: A picture is worth a thousand words ...

re: You gotta ask, at your age, is it worth it.

You feel that uncomfortable feeling? It's the feeling that someone is watching you. Someone knows where you are. Someone is ratting you out. And your time on this planet is very short.

You see, Ayman, you're a bad man. And what goes around comes around. I think you just learned that when several of your close associates, including your cousin, have assumed a fractured room temperature and are learning if those virgins are really waiting for them.

I suspect they're in for a hell of a shock.

So enjoy your 90 minutes of restless turning before you're rousted out and moved to another location. Because Uncle Sam is coming.

And the eagle will fly and there's going to be hell, when you hear mother Freedom start ringing her bell, and you feel like the whole wide world is reigning down on you ... brought to you courtesy, of the red, white, and blue.
- Toby Keith

re: There may be hope for you yet ... I think ...

Congressman Pelosi. Word on the street is that you took some heat this week over the war in Iraq. Ironic, considering you've been against it publically from the get go.

Which confuses me. You speak out against the war - which emboldens our enemies and puts our soldiers lives in danger, and yet you have voted to fund the war everytime.

Don't get me wrong. I welcome a democrat of your stature saying things like:

"The money is for the troops, I'm not prepared to go against the troops' having the equipment they need."

But then you spin right around and say that freeing 25 million Iraqi's is a "grotesque mistake," and that we are less safe by our troops' sacrifice in Iraq, rather than Afghanistan. I'm sure that's a real morale booster for the troops in the Afghani Theater of Operations.

I understand the delicate situtation you're in. You want to retake Congress by appealing to moderate and centrist democrat voters who support our efforts on the war, but you don't want your base to riot as they did during your town hall meeting this week.

Mix messages are tricky like that.

re: Sean Peyton to Green Bay

Let him go, Jerry. Sean's play calling this year was atrocious. Had we Norv Turner calling the plays, like back in the day, I can think of at last 3 games the Cowboys would have and should have won. And that, my friend, is a playoff berth right there.

If Green Bay wants him, then I say good riddance to bad rubbish. Norv needs a job, and he already knows his way around Loop 12.

re: One word - OSIRAK

With your nation's leader saber rattling comments about Israel and the nuclear programs that you are employed to clean up around, you might want to familiarize yourself with this word and the history of it.

See, your professional colleagues in Iraq about twenty-five years ago didn't pay much attention, and when the Israeli Air Force arrived one evening around the night shift to "rearrange the furniture" a little, they ended up sending your Iraqi's colleagues into a permanent forced retirement.

And with Iran continuing to thumb it's nose at the international community in an effort to create nuclear weapons and missiles to strike it's neighbors, here's a suggestion. Look for new work and look for it fast. Or get a really, REALLY good life insurance policy.

re: linkage

Thanks, Coach, for mentioning Memo To: on your blog yesterday and for your kind words.

Considering you literally wrote the book on the subject, it is high praise indeed!

re: Running up the White Flag

Governor Arnold. When Californians elected you two years ago and removed Governor Davis, we had hoped for change in California. We were hoping someone would come into Sacramento to break the hold of special interests, reduce the massive spending, and *cut our rediculous deficit. We were convinced that your star power, coupled with the fiscal conservative values we believed you held and the mandate of the people, would propell you past the gridlock of a crazy assembly and say "no" to spending like a drunken sailor.

However, after one poorly managed battle against them - which you lost to a massive campaign of lies and union money - you run up the white flag and in your State of the State address last night, you surrender to that very same gaggle of irresponsible politicians. And not only that, YOU BECAME ONE OF THEM.

You haven't veto'd a single spending bill. Instead, you admitted to a mistake of being too much in a hurry and then proposed $228 BILLION IN SPENDING with another $8 BILLION in crush debt from bond issues.

We thought we spent a Terminator to Sacramento, but all we got was yet another "girlie man" politician.

re: Words mean things

Dear Michaela. Rose Parade floats are not "self-built" floats. To use the term "self-built" would imply that a float built itself. And last time I checked, inanimate objects can't perform such an activity.

Learn from the best. Learn from Stephanie Edwards. Better yet, switch places with her and watch the parade ... IN THE RAIN.

re: The Bloom is off the Rose ...

Congratulations to KTLA for acheiving a true NEW COKE moment by replacing Stephanie Edwards with Michaela Pereira for the play by play of the 117th Annual Rose Parade Coverage.

Take nothing away from Ms. Pereira. She did a fine job as anchor of Tech News Live on TechTV back in the day. But the New Year's Day Rose parade is all about tradition. And a great part of that was turning on Channel 5 and hearing the witty reparte between Bob and STEPHANIE. Replacing her in the booth (and EXILING her to the rain-soaked bleachers on Colorado Blvd.) is not only insulting to her talent as an anchor, but causes our traditions to be marred by the disappointment of not enjoying her play by play.

It's bad enough that Barbara Beck (replaced by Michaela Pereira, if I recall) got the axe, prompting me to DUMP the Morning News from my morning routine. Now we see that our New Year's Day Rose Parade experience will never be the same.

What's next, replacing Gayle Anderson during the pregame?!

Buy the DVD? Not bloody likely.

re: There's always next year

Dear Jerry,

If Tuna gives you the word after the game tonight that he's done, the stars may be aligning for you.

Consider. Brett Favre may be done in Green Bay. Norv Turner may be fired in Oakland. Mike Marks is probably done in St. Louis.

Make a few calls. I'm sure that if Norv doesn't get another head coaching gig, you can replace Sean Peyton with him. He was the offensive genius last time we won the Super Bowl, remember?

Mike Marks? He loves to pass. And you have great weapons in Witten, Keyshawn, and Glenn. Sure you've gotten a golden year from Bledsoe, and that isn't to be ignored, but would even #11 fault you if you can't pass up even trying to get #4?

Granted, it's a long shot, but nobody expected Montana to leave the 49ers for the Chiefs, or Jerry Rice to go to Oakland.

So picture if you will ...